I’m here writing this, tear struck, eyes swollen, shirt wet from the constant flow of a salty stream. My head is pounding and it feels like something is trying to pull my eyes back into my skull with a twist and grind, makes every sound piercing and movement undesirable.
A harsh reality has sunk in and I feel like I’m grappling for the rope as I fall down the cliff face. My hands grab the rope, it burns, shreds the skin and I let go again, this constant battle of will to survive vs giving up is exhausting and confusing, no action taken by me at this stage relives the internal pain that keeps creeping to the surface.
I go a few days maybe a week managing to control and harbor the turmoil, keeping it under wraps. It builds up though, I can feel it and try to take action to avoid the collapse into misery again. This time it’s a bit different, I wasn’t just upset instead it left me totally floored, its brought up everything non productive, guilt, desperation, hatred, anger, loneliness, no will to try, self doubt and the list goes on. Today I turned into a person I never want to be, I have been on an emotional swing, high to low low to high. It made me become a nasty, controlling, self loathing bitch which then transpired into taking it out on one who is most dear to me.
I guess your asking how did I get here? What causes someone to fall in such a deep pit and question if its worth the effort to try and climb out.
Seven weeks ago I moves out of home, I left my husband of 12 years, I left our lovely property with the horse stud we had worked so hard to grow. we have 2 amazing boys of 11 and 8 years, I did not leave my boys, I did not relinquish my rights as a mother. But due to the retaliation, I have been denied access to them. My narcissistic ex has taken all steps to punish me for leaving a so called wonderful life and my wanting to destroy everything.
So my quest to find myself and my true happiness has left me totally empty and at risk of losing everything. however I was tolled by a very wise druggy that “if I am not me then there is nothing anyway, so how could I be at risk of loosing everything if everything only exists to me being me.” food for thought…
So I went from a fast pass, extremely busy life where I never had time for myself and was always trying to meet standards that could never be met. Always being around people or aspects that involved making others happy. Usually family, not very often did I have friends, but I was never really left to my own for very long. so I went from being among others to having spent the last 7 weeks with the only thing to separate me from me is my job, I think I’ve had my boys 6 times in this period. I live in a small unit opposite the beach, I love the area and there is lots to do but it all needs to be self motivated and I have no structure. I have too much time to myself and avoid people, which leaves it easy to fall into self pity and draws the hours out in painfully slow sessions. I work 6 days a week and its not enough, I wake up too early and go to bed too late, and yet I am still terrified of the time on my own that haunts me. My mum offers to come stay with me, but I keep denying her. For some unknown reason to me I rather stick to the loneliness than have mother with me watching over and stressing about how I am, trying to help and not hinder. But I just cant stomach it.
Until yesterday I had not seen my boys for two weeks, I was set up by my ex and his family, they successfully managed to convince the police in front of our children that I was an unfit mother, intimidating to my father-in-law and unsafe to myself. which then led to me being summonsed with an AVO against my own children, my ex and his father. I was finally granted access to see my boys yesterday after 2 weeks of trying and a court hearing. Yesterday I was granted 2 hours alone with my children, I was devastated, two measly fucking hours, I am so angry, this was just a cruel attempt to lure and tease me and use our children as pawns to drag me down and break me, it felt like someone was digging their bony fingers in my chest cavity to grasp hold of my heart, twisting and tugging to try and sever it from the arteries holding it united with my being.
I expected my fall off the tightrope to happen the afternoon after having the boys, I put some things in play to help try and control my situation. which surprisingly worked, that was until this morning. I walk out the gate to get picked up to go to work, I was doing ok for about half an hour until I discussed the day before with my BF/boss and “smack” it hit me, the rope busted. I was falling fast into a tunnel of doom and to replace me a little demon that bit and struck at every attempt to try and sweeten my mood. The day dragged by and I was on a pendulum of highs and lows, the heights were not very high and lows left me struggling to function and work though the tears. My poor BF was made to encounter brunt and deal with the hurt of my unfair reactions. How can I be so lucky to have someone that is willing to take the hits. I was left in the late arvo feeling even more broken and guilty, aware of my recreations and how they burned him.
I spent the remainder of the afternoon in the tear streaked state of devastation and unable to understand how and why I feel the way I do and if i will be able to save my self from the brokenness I feel.
As I bring this to an end I find that the writing has helped relive some tension and maybe deep down I will be ok and can fight another day. Surly my boys deserve better than to have there mother beaten and battered, maybe they will eventually see a strength in me that will help them grow in life, maybe I can regain ground and not give those trying to break me the satisfaction of winning. I must hold fast, I can not/will not turn back. The ship has sunk I will learn to swim.